"I am frightened of bad things happening to me,"
She whispered to me when I met her first time not far away from our house.
I took her hand and invited her inside. She checked my room and noticed the rusty water tank in our backyard.
"My parents worry as well that there will be not enough rain this winter..."
"That's different," she shrugged.
"I spend a great deal of time being troubled by how I look and how do I behave, do you as well?"
She suddenly turned to me checking her reflection in a mirror behind me.
"If there is not enough water, out cattle die and there will be not enough money..."
"Money for what?" She asked me absent mindendly.
"For my family to live on," I replied sadly and getting curious I asked her: "What about your family?"
"We live in that rundown house nearby," she vaguely pointed through the window out,
"My mum spend all the money we get from centrelink on her drink," her face shrank with sudden hate.
Without more words I just came closer and gave her a big hug.
"Bad things happen all the time, look at that wild bush outside, I mean snake can bite you, right?"
"Or you can drawn in our lake, I mean if there is enough water left there," I lauged, but she gave me a dark look.
"Look, there is enough water up there, I think it is perfectly reasonable to be troubled by that ...
and to brace yourself for the worst-case scenario, right?"
I took her hand into mine and pulled her behind me: "Come with me I show you something,"
"I don't think too much about the misfortunes ahead, except the rain," I explained walking in a warm sushine...
to show her my secret spot in the garden, "Bad things can happen," I smiled at her and twirled her around,
"should things go wrong, I deal with it at the time,"
"just like my father dealt with not enough rain, he built a special water tank," I pointed proudly at our new farm feature,
"It's a wonderful way to live your life," I beamed at her but she just stood there looking at the water rushing down.
"I can't imagine not worrying that no one would love me, that I will end up not worth of loving and alone..."
I brushed her cheek gently when we stopped in front of my house to say good bye: "Worrying about something won't stop it happening any more than wishing for something will make it come true."
She waved her good bye and followed her path out of my life, spending her time with negative thoughts that unfortunatelly become true.
What keeps you awake at night?
She answered with those
plaintive eyes
on full beam,
"It's always anxiety,
Something not done.
Someone I've let down..."
She carried
her own demons
from her own
childhood,
as her friend
I have been
in the frontline of her pain.
We travelled
together
in search of things past,
the countryside
increasingly
pushed away
by suburbia
to all that
isolates
those
who are
apparently
connected
by history
and proximity
to their neighbours.
Just like us...
Suddenly she stopped,
there was a new playground
in our way,
where things wild used to grow
and our secret path
we used to take
through the bush
to our place of childhood dreams.
'You looked so nervous,
so shy,
like a foal on the edge of fleeing,
I remember it
just like it was yesterday,
meeting you right here,
for the first time,"
I smiled at her and took her hand in mine.
"And you told me to be brave,"
She put her hand back into her pocket,
"Let me assure you the world is a wonderful place",
you used to say and it was
just like that,
for you.
"You have been the tallest in our class,
with dangly bones
and eyes so big,
the world was lost in them,
I would spot you anywhere,
rushing to your side,
when other kids teased you,
calling you 'girraffe'..."
She closed her eyes and clenched her fists
inside the pockets of her coat:
"I hated you for that, how much I hated you,
the perfect girl with a perfect smile..."
"No you didn't,
you just say so
now
to explain the sorrow
you caused me,
later on,"
I patted her arm and crossed the playground
in search of our childhood path,
I didn't turn around
but I sensed her
following me:
"You were eager to learn
and master everything I knew,
we were just like twins..."
"The perfect princess and her ugly sister,
you mean,
everyone loved you,
your sunny disposion
and the urge to please..."
"It took me a lifetime to learn to say no,
you have been always good at that."
I laughed turning around to see her grumpy face.
"I was one they resented,
they wanted to be in my place,
bathing in your sunshine,
I could never allow that,
therefore I chased your man away."
"Disloyalty, faithlessness, treachery,
arouse extreme dislike,
you should learn it by now,"
I found the overgrown path
and cleared the way
for her to pass...
"Who do you think you are,
to judge me?"
She hissed into my face passing by,
"You haven't been born in the middle of the freezing night
to an underaged 'pissed off' mother
who had no idea what to do with you..."
"You spent the most of the time in our house,
do you remember,
we shared everything even our nighties,
and my mum..."
"She hated me,"
Her long and sleek figure
was disappearing
fast down
to the clearing.
I quickly caught up
with her
and found
the bent old tree,
on his bark
the initials of our names
locked in the scratched
loveheart
barely visible.
"They thought we are lesbians,
never allowing any boy
to come between us,"
I whispered quietly.
"What about Jack who swept you of your feet,
you find your partner for life,
do you realize how painful it was for me?"
"I was in love,
believing
there was a man
next to me
who understood
that wonderful word:
'commitment.'
"Didn't take him long
to cheat on you,
just two years after you married him?"
"With you,"
I whispered quietly.
"You have been too naive,
remember what I told you then,
just two of us again
and little Jack,
how he used to cry for his dad,
how is he now,
he must be old
just like this carved letters..."
She smiled and gently touched the bark
of the dying tree.
"Fly high in your dreams,
but keep your feet on the ground,"
I never forget that saying,
anyway,
Jack is fine,
they get along famously with Bret."
"Your new husband,
I can't wait to meet him,"
She clasped her hands enthusiastically,
but I shook my head in sudden disapproval.
"You are part of my past not present
and I prefer to stay it that way..."
"But I am your family,
don't forget that,
being married to your brother..."
"Who is dead,"
I sighed confronted with a sudden painful memory.
"He was an alcoholic,
whose fault is that?"
"He loved you,"
I protested,
"He gave you everything
until there was nothing more to give..."
"He spent ages daydreaming,
must run in your family,
drove me crazy with his selfless love..."
"It is time for me to go,
there is nothing to be said,
any more,"
I looked at her
for the last time
inside those
well known
and yet foreign
plaintive,
pleading eyes.
"This town is your home,
are you running away again,
leaving me behind?"
I turned around
and her words followed me
down the path
like endless chain of sorrow and pain,
"Friends and family
are the cornerstone of your life,
I have disappoint you,
but you too,
are guilty
of breaking my heart"
At the end of the path
I turned back
to give her one last big smile
and waved,
regret can not fix what we lost
and yet
there was pity what I felt
not hate,
never part on an angry word,
I repeated to myself
when I shouted back:
"Keep safe my friend from the past,
you taught me I can never have enough disappointment,
you gave me great story ideas
that should keep me in writing business for life."
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